How to Plan a Wake That Feels Right for Them

A wake does not need to be formal, expensive or perfectly planned to be meaningful. When people ask how to plan a wake, the real question is often simpler: how can we bring the right people together, honour the person we love, and get through the day without carrying every detail alone?

For some families, a wake is a quiet afternoon tea after the funeral. For others, it is an evening at a favourite pub, a gathering in the family home, or a larger celebration with music, photos and shared stories. There is no single right format. The best wake reflects the person who has died and gives family and friends room to support one another.

First, decide what the wake is for

A wake can happen before or after the funeral service, on the same day or at another time. It may be held following a burial or cremation, or it can stand alone when a family chooses a private funeral or direct cremation.

Before booking anything, talk with the closest family members about the feeling you want to create. You may want a relaxed space where guests can talk freely, a structured gathering with speeches and a slideshow, or simply a cup of tea and time together. Keeping this purpose clear makes the practical decisions easier.

It also helps to consider the deceased's wishes, if they shared any. Think about where they felt at home, the people they enjoyed, their favourite food or music, and whether they would have preferred a large gathering or something more private. Personal touches do not need to be elaborate. A favourite biscuit, a sporting scarf, a playlist or a table of photographs can say a great deal.

How to plan a wake around the right time and place

The venue often determines the tone, guest numbers and cost. In Sydney and surrounding NSW areas, families commonly choose a home, a club, pub, restaurant, community hall, function room, place of worship or the reception space at a cemetery or crematorium.

A home can feel warm and personal, particularly for a small group. However, it can also leave the immediate family managing food, cleaning and visitors while exhausted. Hiring a venue costs more, but staff can take care of catering, tables, drinks and pack-up. There is no wrong choice, only the option that best protects your family’s energy and budget.

When comparing venues, ask whether there is a minimum spend, room-hire fee, time limit, accessible parking, wheelchair access and a private area for family. Confirm what is included in writing. Some venues offer catering packages but charge separately for tea and coffee, bar service, audiovisual equipment or cake cutting. Transparent itemised costs can prevent unpleasant surprises later.

If the wake follows the funeral, allow realistic travel time. A venue close to the cemetery, crematorium or service location can make a difficult day much easier for older guests, young children and those travelling from interstate. Let guests know clearly where to go and whether they need to make their own way there.

Choose a time that suits the people who matter most

A mid-afternoon wake often works well after a morning service and can be lighter on catering costs. An evening gathering may suit friends and workmates, especially if the funeral itself is small or held during business hours. If many guests are coming from a distance, a later start can give them time to arrive without rushing.

You do not have to schedule a long event. Two to three hours is usually enough for people to pay their respects, share a memory and spend time with the family. Guests will understand if you need the day to have a clear finish.

Set a budget before the small costs add up

Families are often surprised by how quickly an informal gathering can grow in cost. Venue hire, food, drinks, flowers, printing, a photographer and audiovisual equipment can each seem modest on their own. Start with an amount you are comfortable spending, then prioritise what will make the gathering feel right.

Catering can be as simple as tea, coffee and sandwiches, or as substantial as a sit-down meal. It depends on the time of day, cultural expectations and the number of people attending. If you expect a large crowd, a venue package or platters may be easier than asking relatives to prepare food while grieving.

If alcohol will be served, decide whether it will be a cash bar, a limited tab or included drinks. A cash bar is not disrespectful, particularly for a larger evening wake. What matters is that guests understand the arrangement. If you are hosting at home, nominate someone other than an immediate family member to keep an eye on supplies and help guests get home safely.

Invite people with clear, kind information

The funeral notice can include wake details, but you may prefer to share them directly with family and friends if the gathering is private. Keep the message straightforward: the date, start and finish time, venue address, parking or transport information, and whether children are welcome.

You can also let people know what to expect. A sentence such as, “Please join us after the service for light refreshments and to share stories of Dad,” gives guests enough guidance without making the occasion feel overly formal.

Guest numbers can be difficult to predict. If you need catering numbers, ask people to RSVP, but allow some flexibility. At a wake, people who knew the deceased through work, sport, neighbours or community groups may attend even if they did not know the family well. Their presence can be deeply comforting.

Give people a way to share the person’s story

The most memorable wakes are rarely memorable because of the table settings. They are remembered for the stories people told, the laughter that surprised everyone, and the sense that the person was genuinely present in the room.

A photo display is a simple starting point. Include different stages of life, not only formal portraits. You could place a memory book near the entrance for guests to write a message, set out postcards for people to share a short story, or invite a few people to speak. If speeches are planned, ask speakers in advance and keep the number manageable. Two or three heartfelt contributions are often more effective than a long programme.

Music can help set the mood, but it should never become another stressful task. A short playlist of favourite songs is enough. If someone would like to sing, play an instrument or offer a reading, make space for it, while keeping expectations gentle. Grief is unpredictable, and a speaker may not feel able to continue on the day.

Consider cultural and religious traditions

Wakes take different forms across communities. Some families may observe particular prayers, food traditions, mourning periods or customs about when people gather. Others may want a non-religious celebration that feels entirely informal.

There is room for both tradition and personal choice. If you are unsure about a custom, speak with an elder, faith leader or trusted family member early. A funeral director can also help coordinate clergy, celebrants, catering, venue timing and other arrangements so the gathering respects what matters to your family.

Share the practical jobs before the day arrives

Even a small wake involves many moving parts. The person closest to the loss should not be expected to answer every mobile call, greet every supplier and solve every problem. Ask trusted friends or relatives to take on defined jobs.

A helpful group might include someone to confirm venue and catering details, someone to greet guests, someone to manage photographs or the slideshow, and someone to collect cards, flowers and personal items at the end. If the wake is at home, arrange help with set-up and cleaning before guests arrive, not after everyone has left.

Keep a simple folder or note on your mobile with bookings, payment confirmations, key contacts and the schedule for the day. This is especially useful if several family members are involved. It avoids the pressure of trying to remember details when emotions are high.

Make room for grief, not just hosting

You do not have to speak to every guest. You do not need to look composed. And you are allowed to step outside, sit quietly or leave early if it all becomes too much. A wake is not a performance. It is a gathering of people who care.

If you would rather not host immediately after the funeral, consider holding the wake a few days or weeks later. This can give family more time to plan and may allow people who could not attend the funeral to come together. It can also suit families arranging a memorial after a direct cremation.

At Sydney Funerals, we see that the details families remember most are often the ones that gave them breathing room: a venue that was ready, transport that arrived on time, food that was taken care of, and someone else handling the questions. Plan the parts you can, accept help with the rest, and let the wake be a true reflection of the life being remembered.